Unconditional love of children. How parents kill it themselves

The undisputed love of children: how parents kill it themselves.

It happens when parents bitterly say, “Children grew up and turned away.” They are looking for reasons in bad friends, the Internet, society - anywhere, but not in themselves. But if you look objectively: distancing the child from parents is not an act of betrayal. This is the final symptom that the parent has been systematically destroying for years the purest form of love that exists in nature – an unconditional child’s attachment.

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Part 1. Children are born with unconditional love – it’s biology, not a choice

From the point of view of psychology and neuroscience, the child cannot but love parents at an early stage. This is a survival mechanism:

The baby’s brain is programmed to attach to the one who provides security.

The love of the child does not require merit – it is given by default, like breathing.

Even with abuse, children often blame themselves, not the parents, “Dad is beating because I’m bad.” They are willing to endure pain to keep in touch.

This is the unconditional: to love someone who hurts you, because without it it is not to survive.

Part 2. Four levels at which parents destroy this love

Level 1: Replacement of material care

What parents do: They believe that food, clothes, phone and mugs are love.

What the child feels: “I am a project that needs to be provided. My feelings don’t count.”

· Bottom line: Love becomes a conditional deal: “We feed you – be comfortable.”

Level 2: Non-recognition of autonomy

What parents do: Decide for a child what to think, feel, want. “Don’t cry, it’s nonsense,” “You can’t be angry with your mother.”

What the child feels: “My “I” does not matter. To love me, you have to hide it.”

The result: Love becomes the game “Pretend someone else”.

Level 3: Using Love as a Gun

What parents do: “You will be naughty – I will not love you”, “You will bring me to the grave”.

What the child feels: “My love is used as a lever. It’s not valuable, it’s a tool of control.”

· Bottom line: Love becomes a source of fear, not security.

Level 4: Refusal of Emotional Presence

What parents do: Ignore, brush off, say “don’t invent” when a child tries to share pain or joy.

What the child feels: “My inner world is not interesting to anyone. I’m alone with those who should be the closest.”

· Result: Love becomes an empty shell without content.

Part 3. Why is food and clothing only 10% of the parental debt?

The responsibility of the parent consists of two parts:

1. Physical support (food, shelter, security) is a basis that does not require love. This can be delegated to the nanny or the state.

2. Psychological support (acceptance, respect, empathy, the formation of a healthy attachment) is a unique task of a parent that cannot be shifted.

The parent, who gives only the first, performs the function of an incubator, not the parent. The child will survive, but will not be able to become emotionally healthy. It is the psychological component that determines whether love will remain or turn into offense and alienation.

Part 4. What does the process of destroying love look like?

1. Years 0-7: The child loves unconditionally, even if he is punished.

2. 7–14: Begins to ask questions: “Why does I get sick from those who have to protect?” Love becomes controversial.

3. Years 14-18: If the patterns do not change, the protective mechanism is activated - emotional distancing. It's not revenge, it's the instinct of self-preservation.

4. Adult life: Love is either transformed (if there is work on relationships), or is replaced by a formality or a complete breakup.

Distancing is not a child’s choice. It’s stated: “My unconditional love failed to break through your walls of control, indifference or aggression.”

Part 5. What is left instead of love?

When unconditional love is killed, in its place they grow:

A sense of duty: “I have to help because they are parents.”

Wine: “I’m a bad son/daughter because I don’t want to talk to them.”

Rational attachment: “This is my family, it’s accepted.”

· Void: When the words “parents” are felt.

The irony is that parents who most crave gratitude often systematically destroy its very possibility.

Part 6. What to do if love is already damaged?

For parents:

1. Recognize your role in distancing, without accusing the child.

2. Start small: sincerely interested in his life without appreciation.

3. Apologize for specific wounds without asking for immediate forgiveness.

4. Learn again: therapy, books, groups – to understand where the mistakes were.

For adult children:

1. To realize that distancing is not your fault, but an effect.

2. Allow yourself not to love if there is no love. You can respect without love.

3. Build new boundaries that allow you to communicate without harm to yourself.

4. Break the cycle, if you have your own children, do not repeat the same mistakes.

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Verification of the article:

1. Primary Evidence: The concept of unconditional childlike attachment is described in the works of J. M. Bowlby Ainsworth. The phenomenon of distancing as a protective mechanism is documented in studies of family dynamics.

2. Technological viability: Mechanisms of destruction of attachment (substitution, ignoring, manipulation) are observed and reproduced in therapeutic practice.

3. Motivation and benefit: It is beneficial for parents to believe that children are “obliged” to love – this relieves them of responsibility for the quality of the relationship. The true beneficiaries of healthy attachment are both generations.

4. Cultural trace: The topic of alienation of children from parents is massively presented in literature, cinema, psychotherapeutic memoirs.

5. Material check: It is possible to study the level of cortisol in children in contact with parents, conduct fMRI-study of brain activity during interaction.

6. Burden of assumptions: Minimal. If the reader finds an example of culture, where systemic emotional abuse leads to a stronger love, the thesis will be refuted.

Constructive kernel: The article provides a diagnostic map of the destruction of love and indicates a causal relationship between the actions of parents and the reaction of children. This is not an accusation, but a scheme for analyzing and possibly restoring relations.

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Respect that cannot be required: why children can not respect toxic parents

Sometimes when parents, having already faced with the distancing of adult children, put forward a new argument: “At least I respect!”. But respect is not a currency that can be claimed to pay the debt. Respect is an organic feeling that is either formed in a healthy relationship or not formed at all. And if a child has only emptiness for his parents, guilt or shame is not his moral failure. This is a natural result of the destroyed foundation.

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Part 1. What is true respect and where does it come from?

Healthy respect is not fear, not formal politeness or ritual “like the elder” ritual. This is:

1. Recognition of the value of another person - his boundaries, choice, autonomy.

2. Confidence in his moral and intellectual qualities.

3. The natural desire to take into account his opinion, because it has historically proved to be valuable.

This feeling is formed only in the process of relationships where:

The parent respects the child first - from childhood.

· Accepts his right to disagreement.

Explains decisions, not puts on authority.

· Recognizes your mistakes.

If not, there is no such thing as respect for nothing.

Part 2. Why does toxic education kill the very possibility of respect?

When a parent systematically violates the basic principles of healthy relationships, he unknowingly lays mine under future respect:

What is formed in a child instead of respect

Humiliation, ridicule of Shame, the desire to avoid contact.

The feeling that the parent is a source of danger, not security.

Manipulation of guilt Feelings of Debt, which you want to get rid of.

Unpredictability, hysterics Fear, tension, desire to stay away.

Devaluation of the achievements of the Void, the feeling “will not appreciate anything anyway.”

The result: by adulthood, the child does not have an internal image of the parent as an object of respect. There is only a set of traumatic associations that the psyche seeks to minimize.

Part 3. Three types of "pseudo-love" that are confused with the present

When there is no real respect, his surrogates may arise – and parents often take them at face value:

1. Ritual respect - the child is polite in public, congratulates on the holidays, performs formal duties. Inside is emptiness. It's social mixing, not a feeling.

2. Respect for fear – the child obeys, because he is afraid of conflict, condemnation or new manipulation. It's not respect, it's learned helplessness.

3. Respect from a sense of duty - "they gave birth." It is a moral obligation, not a sincere impulse.

The tragedy is that many parents are content with these surrogates - do not yet face a complete break.

Part 4. Why “emptiness” is most often the result, and not the start?

When an adult says “I don’t feel anything to my parents, just a void” is not his choice. This is the final stage of a long process:

1. Pain (years of abuse)

2. Resentment (Awareness of Injustice)

3. Attempts to get there (often in adolescence)

4. Disappointment (when attempts are ignored)

5. Emotional disconnection is like a protective mechanism of the psyche.

Emptiness is not a lack of feelings. This is a well dug by years of inattention, which is now covered with a lid so that no one else falls.

Part 5. Can I restore respect?

Yes, but under harsh conditions:

For parents:

1. Recognize your role in the destruction of relationships - without "but" and justification.

2. Stop asking for respect is that it immediately reduces tension.

3. Starting with respect for an adult child – to his boundaries, decisions, lifestyle.

4. Proving by change rather than words – sustainable new behavior for months and years.

For adult children:

1. To allow yourself not to be respected is not a crime.

2. To divide “respect for the role” and “respect for the individual” – you can respect the status of a parent, not respecting him as a person.

3. Build clear boundaries – communicate as much as it is safe.

4. Give yourself time – feelings can change if the parent really changes.

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Part 6. What to do if respect is impossible?

There are cases when recovery is impossible - due to severe violence, lack of remorse, mental disorders of the parent. Then a healthy position is:

1. Recognize the reality: “My parents are incapable of giving what is needed to rejoice.”

2. To focus on your own life is not to waste your energy on trying to cause non-existent feelings.

3. Interrupting the toxic cycle is not to repeat the same mistakes with your children.

4. To find a replacement - you can respect other significant adults, mentors, senior colleagues who demonstrate decent qualities.

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Verification of statements:

1. Primary Evidence: The concept of respect as a social feeling formed in the Diadic relationships is described in the work on the theory of attachment and social psychology (e.g., J. research. Gottman of trust).

2. Technological viability: If respect were automatic, children from ausious families would have tested it to their parents – but the statistics of the contrary proves its emerging nature.

3. Motivation and Benefit: The requirement of respect without reason is beneficial to parents seeking to maintain control. Real respect is mutually beneficial – it reduces conflict and creates a stable connection.

4. Cultural footprint: In culture, there are archetypes of a “unrespectable parent” (for example, King Lear, father of Raskolnikov), which confirms the universality of the phenomenon.

5. Material check: It is possible to study psychophysiological reactions (bloodstroops, skin-galvanic reaction) of adult children when interacting with parents - the lack of a positive response will be an objective indicator.

6. Burden of assumptions: Minimal. The main assumption is that respect requires reciprocity. If a case is found where a persistent disrespectful behavior of the parent has led to the child’s deep respect, the thesis can be revised.

Constructive core: The article offers a diagnostic and practical tool for distinguishing real respect and its surrogates, and also shows the way of change - through reciprocity, not demands. This knowledge allows either to work on restoring a relationship, or accept their real state without self-excuses.

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Impossible loss: when the relationship died, and the rituals remained

It happens that in 20-30 years, parents and children coexist in a space where love and respect are not lively feelings, but museum exhibits under the “debt” glass. And when a parent demands love, he demands to resurrect what he himself buried for years of systemic neglect, control or aggression. It’s not a request for a relationship — it’s an attempt to get a court decision in its favor when all the evidence is destroyed.

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Part 1. Emptiness as a result: why “nothing to restore”?

For 20+ years of life together, not just history is formed, but an emotional landscape of relationships. If it was dominated:

· Fear

· Shame

· Resentment

· Invisibility

Then by the time the child grows up in place of potential love and respect remains an emotional vacuum.

It is not “ignorance.” This is an environmental disaster, after which the soil became infertile.

Can it be planted again? Theoretically, yes, but it is necessary:

1. Recognition of disaster.

2. Long years of restoration work.

3. New seeds (other behavior).

But more often there is something else: the parent stands on a dead land and demands that roses grow on it “by themselves”. And when they don’t grow, they blame the ground.

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Part 2. Material compensation as a maximum: an anatomy of debt

When an adult child helps parents financially, it is rarely associated with warmth. More often, this is one of three scenarios:

1. Socially Forced Duty

The mechanism: “We raised you, you must.”

What the child feels: Pressure of social norms, fear of condemnation, internal resistance.

· Bottom line: Help as a bouncer, not as a gift.

2. Compensation of guilt

Mechanism: “I am a bad son/daughter if I don’t help.”

· What the child feels: Shame, self-blame, exhaustion.

· Result: Assistance as self-flagellation.

3. Formal arrangement

Mechanism: “We fulfill mutual obligations as counterparties.”

· What the child feels: Emptiness, sometimes relief from clear conditions.

· Result: Help as a business process.

In all three cases, it is not love. This is a payment on a non-existent loan that was imposed at birth.

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Part 3. Why change parents is titanic work (and almost impossible)?

Parent, whose patterns in 40-50 years of life are concreted:

1. Neurobiological: Neural pathways are formed and automated. Changing them is how to relearn to write with the other hand.

2. Psychologically: His behavior often relies on his own childhood trauma – to change, you must first go through your pain, and not deny it.

3. Socially: He lives in an environment where his models could be approved for decades (“Children must be strictly educated”).

Catharsis, necessary for change, requires:

· Recognize that you have hurt those who should have been protected.

Refuse the status of “victim of circumstances”.

Learn new reactions from scratch when there is no longer strength.

This is the level of spiritual asceticism, not “read the book and change.”

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Part 4. What is left if there are no feelings?

When there is no love or respect left, only rational agreements are possible:

1. Clear boundaries: Communication as needed, without intimacy claims.

2. Material support as alimony: According to the agreed amount, without emotional stress.

3. Social Mimicrining: Politeness on family events for the external order.

4. Complete distancing: Even if formal communication is toxic.

It’s not a tragedy, it’s a statement.

Tragedy is for years to pretend that the dead is alive, and demand the same game from another.

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Part 5. Public Debt Construct as Violence

The phrase “children must” is a social weapon that:

· Justifies parental irresponsibility.

Victimize the child twice: first in childhood, then in adulthood.

Supports the cycle of violence, calling it “tradition.”

A healthy society should replace “children must” by “parents are responsible.”

As long as the debt is cultivated, generations will grow, which help from guilt, not out of love – and hate both parents and themselves for this hatred.

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Verification of theses:

1. Initial evidence: Intergenerational trauma (intergenerational trauma) studies show how patterns are transmitted and consolidated. Data on the sense of duty in adult children are in the work on family psychology.

2. Technological viability: If the changes were mild, most parents after therapy or courses would radically change behavior – but statistics show a low percentage of persistent changes.

3. Motivation and benefit: The contribution of debt is beneficial to the state (removing social obligations) and parents-manipulators. The true beneficiaries of his abolition are the mental health of the nation.

4. Cultural trace: The architecture of the “tyrant parent” and “child-sacrifice of debt” are present in world literature from “King Lyre” to modern dramas.

5. Material check: It is possible to study the level of cortisol in adult children before and after communicating with parents or material assistance to them.

6. Burden of assumptions: Minimal. If there is a culture where systemic emotional neglect leads to deep love and respect for adult children, the theses will be revised.

Constructive core: The article offers a sober protocol of acceptance of reality, when the relationship is not viable. It replaces the toxic hope “unexterly” for rational models of interaction without self-deception. It's not cynicism, it's the hygiene of the psyche.

Sometimes the only healthy exit is to recognize that the bridge has burned down, and not to try to walk on the ashes, pretending that it is still intact. You can build a new one – but only if both sides are ready for construction, not to play in ruins.