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Kids owe you nothing. They may, but they don't have to
We often hear the phrase from our parents: “I raised you, I fed, and you are ungrateful!” Sounds like a reproach, as if the child has borrowed, which now has to return. But let’s ask ourselves: did the child choose whether to come to this world or not?
The answer is obvious: no. The decision to give birth is made by adults. And from now on, the parental duty is to maintain, educate and prepare a child for independent life. This is not a favor, but a responsibility that the parents themselves took.
Why is the child’s “debt” a myth?
The child is dependent from birth. Up to 18 years (and sometimes longer) it is in a system where:
The school is compulsory.
· You can work up to 16 years only in a limited format, and it is often difficult and unsafe.
Full independence in our society comes closer to 20+ years.
The child did not sign the contract: “I pledge to be grateful for the fact that you gave birth to me.” He just found himself here, and his basic needs – food, safety, care, education is the norm, not a gift.
So where does gratitude come from?
Gratitude is not a duty. It is a natural feeling that arises when:
Parents respect the identity of the child.
· Explain the rules, not just dictate.
Support, not control every step.
They love unconditionally, not “good behavior.”
When a child feels that he is valued as a person, not as a project or a future “support in old age”, then gratitude is born on its own. It becomes a return heat, not an account fee.
What should parents do?
1. Stop thinking of parenting as an investment. Children are not a deposit from which you will remove interest in the form of gratitude and obedience.
2. Explain, not demand. "Don't do that because it's dangerous" instead of "because I said that."
3. Accept their right to choose. Even if you don't like it. Your task is to prepare them for decision-making, not to solve them.
4. Do not use the feeling of guilt. The phrases “I’m for you...”, “you bring me to the grave” is manipulation, not love.
Common sense instead of diktat
The world is changing. What was the norm 30 years ago, today can be violence. Common sense is when you set boundaries based on the safety and development of the child, and not from your desire to control.
The child is not your property. He is a separate man who will one day go into his life. And if you want him to come back not out of a sense of duty, but out of a desire to be there, let go of control. Give him the opportunity to want to be grateful. It's the one. No reproaches.
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Briefly:
They can be grateful if you give them a reason for it - not the fact of birth, but the quality of love, respect and freedom to be yourself. Parenthood is a gift of the future, not an invoicing.
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Phenomenon: "You owe me because I'm a parent"
It happens when my parents say to the child, “I raised you and you are ungrateful.”
This phrase sounds not as a statement of fact, but as a reproach, a claim for compensation of “debt”.
But if you apply the method of verification to this narrative, its design turns out to be shaky.
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Checking the narrative “Children should be grateful” on the checklist of the verifier
1. Primary Evidence
What are we check: Is there a document or contract where the child voluntarily accepts the obligation to be grateful?
Result: No. The decision to give birth to a child is made by parents. The duty to maintain and educate until the age of majority is established by law, and not by agreement.
Red flag: The narrative is based on emotional demand, not documented obligations.
2. Technological viability
What do we check: Can a child aged 0–18 be financially and emotionally independent to “return the debt”?
Result: No. Up to 18 years of age, the child is legally and economically dependent. Even work from the age of 14-16 does not change systemic dependence on parents or guardians.
Red flag: The demand for “gratitude” is presented to someone who is physically unable to be completely free.
3. Motivation and Benefit
What do we check: Who benefits from this installation?
Result: A parent who thus receives a lever of influence and justification of control. True motivation is not the well-being of the child, but the strengthening of parental power.
Red flag: Narrative serves the interests of one side, disguised as a care.
4. Cultural footprint
What do we check: Is there any sustainable alternative forms of this phrase in culture showing its problem?
The result: Yes. In recent decades, there has been a growing number of discussions about toxic relationships, feelings of guilt in children, and the concept of “emotional debt” (emotional debt).
This indicates that the narrative is disputed in society.
5. Material inspection
What are we check: Is it possible to measure “gratitude” objectively?
Result: No. This is a subjective emotion that cannot be claimed by a duty. Attempts to simulate her lead to hypocrisy and rupture of relations.
Red flag: An abstract and unbelievable concept as duty is required to be taken into believing.
6. The Burden of Assumptions
What do we check: How many assumptions does it take for a narrative to work?
The result: A lot. It should be assumed that:
The child consciously agreed to be born;
– parental actions were exclusively altruistic;
– gratitude can be demanded;
Lack of gratitude is a moral offense.
Red flag: The design rests on faith, not the facts.
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What remains after the inspection?
After the deconstruction of the narrative, a simple reality remains:
The children did not choose to be born. Parents were and are responsible for them by law and on the fact of their choice.
Gratitude is a possible consequence of a respectful relationship, not a prerequisite.
Constructive alternative:
Instead of demanding a debt – building a relationship where the child wants to be grateful for himself, because he feels the value, support and respect for their autonomy.
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Verification of the article itself
Abstraction rate: Meta-level (analysis of social narrative).
· Instrumentalization: Uses a clear method – a checklist of 6 points – to deconstruct a phenomenon.
Verifiability: The article itself offers refutation criteria. If the reader finds a legal contract on the “debt” of the child or an objective way of measuring “gratitude”, the abstracts of the article will be falsified.
· Transformation: The application of the method changes the approach to education: from emotional manipulation of rational building of boundaries and relationships.
· Final product: A tool for critical analysis of family attitudes and check any manipulative narratives in a relationship.
Verdict: The text has a constructive system kernel at the meta-level, as it provides the test method of analysis and translates the discussion from the emotional to the factual plane.
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